Steve Lear

“The Interview” podcast from The New York Times 

A Good Life is Not a Conflict-Free Life 

I don’t back away from controversial issues, and I’m comfortable with that reputation. However, if you know me well, you also know I am sensitive to the damage conflict can cause in relationships. I’ve experienced many of those painful moments and find them sad and frustrating. 

In a recent episode of the New York Times podcast, “The Interview,” host David Marchese sat down with author and conflict expert Priya Parker to discuss her latest book, The Art of Fighting. The podcast title— “An Expert on Conflict Says Your Relationships Are Doomed Without It”—really grabbed my attention. Its message resonated and made me consider:  

What becomes possible when we stop avoiding difficult conversations and learn to have them well? 

Marchese notes that for many of us, conflict at work, in our personal relationships, and in society feels like something to avoid. But Parker believes we need to do the opposite: face conflict and learn how to handle it better.  “I think it’s a huge misunderstanding to think that we have too much conflict right now. We actually have too little conflict.”  

She argues that we operate under a cultural norm of toxic politeness which blocks us from having the really important conversations. As a conflict resolution facilitator, Parker sees the same conflict patterns across companies, families, and friend groups: they often fall apart because they are afraid to fight. Instead, they choose to maintain an uneasy peace, engage in unhealthy conflict, or avoid conflict altogether. 

Yet, conflict is how we figure out who we are and how we negotiate living together. As a child, Parker grew up with a mother and father who never fought. However, their eventual divorce taught her that avoiding conflict often comes at a great cost. People pretend conflict isn’t there, hoping it will pass. But without meaningful conversations, relationships can end. “Because we are so conflict-averse, we exit rather than engage, so our communities and families are fracturing,” she observes. “We’re not taught the skills for how to have those fights.”  

Parker is often called in to help companies become competent at managing conflicts. She helps them to see that there is a path between war and peace, an environment she describes as “healthy heat.”  

She tells the story of a tech company that made conflict training part of their corporate retreat. The first day’s agenda began with slides containing questions for teams to debate, such as “Pineapple on pizza—yes or no?” and “What is the perfect time for lunch?” The room was soon filled with laughter and disagreement. This kind of low-stakes arguing about things that don’t really matter helped the group begin to normalize disagreement. Later in the retreat, when it was time to address high-stakes issues, team members felt more comfortable disagreeing. They had begun to see how pro-social arguing could strengthen connections and solve problems productively. 

Parker notes, however, that discernment plays a big role in managing conflict. You always have choices and need to ask yourself if, when, and how you want to face an issue, or whether it’s time to disengage.  When in doubt, consulting someone whose opinion you trust and who is not involved in the situation can help you gain clarity. 

She also acknowledges that compromise is a fact of life.  It’s important to recognize that you won’t win every battle and to understand what you can live with.  If you realize someone won’t change their mind about something after many hard conversations, it’s okay to strategically avoid certain topics to maintain a relationship you value. 

But if you find yourself in a conflict that is worthy of sorting out—especially one that affects what it means to be “us” in a group or relationship–then you are going to need skills to work through that.  

Parker said her most challenging work is getting leaders to recognize that their disproportionate power creates a different conflict dynamic in the workplace. When you can hire and fire someone, disagreements with team members aren’t the same as arguing with family or friends. Leaders must be sensitive to that power imbalance when managing workplace conflicts. 

Parker also believes much of today’s political conflict taps into “relational longing,” best described as “I wish you could understand the world that I think is possible.” She cautions that “one of the deepest dangers for our country is that we have fallen out of love with each other.” She encourages leaders to keep cultivating relational longing and a desire to remain in community together despite our differences.  

She suggests that one way to achieve this is to reframe conflict as an investment in someone. If you care about a relationship, then you must engage in conflict in a prosocial way. One of the simplest methods Parker uses to help groups get unstuck is to have them practice apologizing: one person articulates what has hurt them, and the other person listens and accepts. This exercise helps both people practice accountability and vulnerability. 

An Invitation 

For more insights, I invite you to read or listen to the full interview on either YouTube or the New York Times link: An Expert on Conflict Says Your Relationships Are Doomed Without It.  

Then consider where its ideas might apply in your own life. Is there a conversation you have been postponing? Something important you have not said? Someone whose perspective you have been more interested in answering than understanding? 

I am asking myself those questions, too.  

The goal is not to win every argument. It is to learn how to face what matters without losing sight of the people who matter. 

Thank you for being part of the conversation. 

 PODCAST